Many people believe successful relationships happen because we want them to. When they don’t work out, our natural instinct is to move on to another relationship with hopes that it is better than the last one. Sadly, what many fail to understand is that you, individually, are relatively responsible for why your relationship doesn’t work. Now before you think I’m crazy for stating this, let me explain. Every woman imagines herself being swept away by a knight in shining armor who rides in; scoops her up; and they ride off into the sunset. Let me ask you a few questions. Have you prepared yourself for that knight in shining armor’s arrival? Have you faced your demons and bettered yourself to attract the type of man you are seeking? Have you loved on yourself to learn how to love on another person? Do you enjoy your own company? If you’ve answered “no” to any of these questions, therein lies the issue.
Before this knight in shining armor finds you, there is work to be done on “you” in order to smooth out those rough edges. The very first relationship we have is with ourselves ladies. If you don’t love you, how can you expect a prospective or current partner to love you back? Or, how can you love him the right way from a healthy place? If you’re what I call a “relationship hopper,” jumping from one relationship to the other without coming up for air – it’s time to break that pattern of behavior. Once the relationship ends allow yourself time to mourn the loss of this relationship. Relationship experts state the grieving process, after a failed relationship, should be six months for each year of the relationship. Although that timeframe may be a bit extreme if you’re coming out of, let’s say, a three year relationship, listen to your inner voice and spiritual intuition; you will know then when you are done grieving. Next, sit down with a pen, pad, and box of tissue. Begin writing down all the things that went wrong in your relationship with your “ex” which resulted in the relationship ending. This list should also include any red flags you saw in that person’s behavior as well but chose to ignore. This is the “being totally honest” part of the healing process which is why that box of tissue may come in handy. When you allow yourself to be honest with what went wrong, the process opens you up by learning from your past mistakes. You are also able to view that relationship as a growing experience instead of a failed relationship. Yes, the relationship ended. However, looking at it from a student’s perspective will help you forgive the other person, move on, and not harbor any resentment or bad feelings about the other person.
Once you have examined every possible aspect, the next step is to write down a list of all of the things you would like to change about yourself. Are you overweight and the weight played a part in the relationship ending? Were you too controlling? Were you too passive? Were you staying in the relationship for fearful reasons…being alone, financial motives, etc.? Were you too lazy?
The key is to be truthful with yourself. Doing so allows you to face you at the rawest level and make lasting changes. If you were overweight and haven’t the foggiest idea about how to go about losing the weight, seek help from a nutritionist who can assist you with the diet part. Join the local gym and hire a personal trainer. Also, ask a friend you trust to be your accountability partner. If you are an emotional eater and this contributes to your weight gain, call a trusted friend when you have moments of weakness. Doing so keeps you honest with yourself and prevents the possibility of sliding back into those bad habits. Buy yourself a new dress in the size you would like to slim down in. Hang it somewhere you will see it every day. This will continue to fuel your motivation to lose weight and get healthier. If you are too controlling, ask yourself why? If insecurity is your issue, where do those unconfident feelings stem from? Personally, my insecurity stemmed from my childhood when my dad was being put out of our home. The idea is to face yourself head on. Make positive changes. Become what you want to attract…the characteristics you want in a significant other.
Loving on yourself is essential to loving on another in a healthy way. When potential suitors see you out with the girls and the air about you is one of confidence, wholeness and loving life…THAT is what attracts a whole, confident man to you. When you are all broken down and “relationship hopping”, you attract much of what you don’t want. Know yourself, your quirks, your wants, your desires, your five-year life goals, etc. A woman who is comfortable in her skin respects and loves herself. She walks with her head held high and shoulders squared. This is the kind of woman that will attract a knight in shining armor. So, take the time to grow in a relationship with yourself. Discover what makes you who you are. And, that is an intelligent, self-confident, loving woman of strength. Also during this period in your relationship, write down the qualities and characteristics your ideal man should possess. He doesn’t have to be six feet tall or wealthy. He doesn’t have to be too short, either. Move beyond the superficial physical traits. However, make sure he is someone you are attracted to on every level. Be specific about what you envision your knight to look like, in addition to how he conducts his business. Because I’m physically fit, my knight MUST be physically fit and live a healthy lifestyle as well. This is a quality I will not waiver on. I don’t smoke, so he cannot smoke. If your financial house is in order, you want his to be too. You have performed all this work to create a better version of yourself. So, you don’t want an emotionally broken man who needs to be put back together again…you cannot fix anyone but yourself.
My list looks something like this:
1. Mentally stable
2. Emotionally stable
3. Financially stable
4. Loves kids (I have 4 of them and a grandchild.)
5. Physically fit
6. Leads a healthy and active lifestyle
8. Generous with his time (He’ll make you a priority in his life…YOU ARE NOT AN OPTION!)
9. Respectful of me
10. Adores me.
11. Will protect and provide for me and my children.
You get the gist of it. Set your standard and DO NOT lower it for anyone. If a man is interested in you, he will do all that he can to show his intent. He will be consistent, if you choose to enter into a relationship with him. Be yourself. Love on yourself. I get a monthly “mani and pedi”, because it makes me feel good about myself. Men notice these little things. And, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who takes pride in caring for herself both, inwardly and outwardly. Loving yourself does wonders for your self-esteem and self-image. You won’t hop around from man to man seeking to fill a void, because you’ll already be in a comfortably, secure place from within. You and won’t need to be validated by another. In short, these things you think are well hidden aren’t. Weak and broken women send out a vibe that says, “Save me!” Girl, don’t be that damsel in distress. Rather, be that woman who can change a tire if need be. But, be that woman who can also step aside and let a potential suitor or the current man in your life change it for you…THAT is your option. Loving yourself, laughing and enjoying your own company sends a certain ambiance out into the universe and grown up men are attracted to it. An S.O.S. call attracts the same type of man you’ve grown accustomed to dating. Loving yourself is a relationship worth having.
Until next time…